Saturday, March 31, 2012

Evaluating the Final Four games on anything but basketball


For the first time since I can't remember, I won't be able to watch the Final Four games tonight. Yes, devastation. Luckily, there is a way of figuring out which teams will meet in the Championship game without even catching a whiff of basketball.

Kentucky vs. Louisville
Mascot
Kentucky's mascot is among the most generic in all of sports, right alongside bulldog; that being said, Louisville's mascot is the Cardinal. The Cardinal is a non-predatory bird, and while it looks cool and is the state bird of Ohio, that's about all it has going. Sorry, Cardy, the Wildcat takes round one.

Roster names
Pretty easy call on this one. Junior guard Twany Beckham aside, UK's roster is a veritable who's-who of average basketball player names. Darius Miller. Terence Jones. Anthony Davis. Sam Malone. Coach Cal is an unbelievable recruiter, but he's got to work on getting his name-game up. On the other hand, Louisville has two guys with the last name Smith on its roster and still manages to be more exciting. Whether its freshman Angel Nunez (anybody named Angel is automatically getting my attention) who doesn't play at all or sophomore Gorgui Dieng (same goes for anybody named Gorgui--or Dieng, for that matter) who starts for the Cardinals, Louisville has cool names on lockdown. The 'Ville has some guy named Stephan Van Treese on its roster. That dude sounds like he should be the son of a Duke, but is disappointingly just from Indianapolis. Still, his name's getting the job done. Even one of Louisville's more boring names, Kyle Kuric, rolls off the tongue nicely due to its alliteration. Cards even things up.

Most Interesting Man test
This test is inspired by the Dos Equis commercials featuring the "Most Interesting Man in the World". Which team has a guy who might speak French in Russian? Or maybe he could have inside jokes with total strangers? Basically, who would I want to hang out with most? And the answer to this one goes to the the resident winner of the name game as well--Gorgui Dieng. While in Louisville last weekend I spent time hanging out with a guy from Tanzania who was friends with the people I was visiting. He was funny, always in a good mood and ready to mix it up with whoever, and told some absolutely fascinating stories. Gorgui may not party quite as hardy as anybody in Lexington, but I'm thinking he'd be way more interesting to listen to between the weekends, telling me stories about his time in Senegal and what he thinks of the States. That definitely sounds better than talking to Anthony Davis about how crazy it was at this one AAU Tournament he played at when he was 15. Edge, Louisville.

Most Interesting Coach test
Same as before, but with the men running the benches for both teams. Unfortunately, I know very little nothing about either team's coaches beyond the leading men, so there are only two candidates I could choose from in this one. And that seems like a pretty easy call. Coach Cal may be deplorable, but is there any doubt he'd be a fun to hang with? It is clear as day from interviews that his players like him, and he's doing something right in order to fill his roster with future NBA-ers year after year. I'm guessing it's got to do with that personality. Coach Pitino on the other hand? Larger than life guy, for sure. Ultra-successful college coach, yes. But he still strikes me as very meh. The only thing I'd want to talk about is what a conversation Ricky probably wouldn't be keen on having.

Who is more worth rooting for?
Well, neither team. It's Kentucky and Louisville. The only way to make this worse would be to replace one of the teams with North Carolina and bring Tyler Hansbrough back to the Tar Heels' roster. But Louisville has several seniors and guys who aren't going to be making money playing professional basketball in the U.S., and other guys who might make the money, but still won't be playing. Set aside the fact that Kentucky is a farm team for the pros and how much that sucks in general. Most of the guys playing on that team will have plenty more shots on glory when they are in the pros. This is just a stop for them. No matter how much they really care about this Championship and no matter what happens over the next three days, the future is bright for them. For Kyle Kuric and Peyton Siva? The future (as far as basketball is concerned) is the next three days. So this has to the to the Cardinals.

For anybody not able to keep track, Louisville pulled off the upset, 3-2. Despite all the indications, opinions and talent to the contrary, here is some hard evidence that the Cardinals have a chance. And hey, even if Louisville does get thrashed tonight, at least Gorgui Dieng will have given it some pride: MVP of this column.

Ohio State vs. Kansas
Mascot
If there is a mascot that Ohio State would actually beat, it is escaping me. Seriously, Ohio State are the Buckeyes. And not even the tree. The seed on the tree that peanut buttery snacks are modeled after. Even if it was the tree, the Buckeye is not an especially impressive angiosperm. Were they the Ohio State Redwoods, then maybe we're talking. But Buckeye? Let alone the fact that Kansas' mascot is a mythical bird. This is not close. Point KU.

Roster names
Mostly boring on both sides. All of Kansas' cool is coming from guys that don't see the floor: Naadir Tharpe, Niko Roberts, Merv Lindsay (Merv!). The Jayhawks do have two guards with decent names in Tyshawn Taylor (once again, on the strength of alliteration) and Elijah Johnson (on the strength of Elijah), but KU has clearly left this one wide open. Ohio State doesn't have much to shout about in the category either, however. It is always a good thing to have a Weatherspoon on the roster, and J.D. Weatherspoon proudly sports the scarlet and grey from the sidelines. So Ohio State has that going for it, which is nice. Throw in LaQuinton Ross and Evan Ravenel, and the name game is going down to the wire. The way I see it, it comes down to Merv Lindsay and Evan Ravenel. And while Merv has the advantage of having a fake first name for a first name and a real first name for a last name, I think only Gorgui Dieng has a shot at beating Evan Ravenel for full-name glory. Kudos to Ravvy's parents for having the guts to name him Evan. That could have gone south quickly with so many e's, a's and v's in such a short span of syllables. But it hasn't. Point Buckeyes.

Most Interesting Man test
Thomas Robinson is an incredible player with an incredible story. He has put his younger sister before himself at all times, and should be commended for that. But in spite of that and in spite of my disdain for him, I don't think there's any choice other than Jared Sullinger for Most Interesting Man in this game. Sully's larger-than-life personality has been on display since his freshman year. It reached a nationwide audience when we saw him singing "Party in the USA" on ESPN, but it is there for all to see in the middle of games as well. Sullinger puts his tongue out and cheers and nods when good things are happening for his team. But this year, the other side of Sullinger was seen much more frequently. He was pouting when things weren't going well. He quit on his team because he allowed things he couldn't control get the better of him a couple times. Right now, however, Sullinger appears to have his swag back in full force. And even though he annoys me to watch on TV, I have no doubt he'd be a blast to be around in person. Buckeyes, 2-1.

Most Interesting Coach test
Thad Matta's name is Thad Matta, and that is awesome. Thad also is kinda cool because he's not like any of the other mega-successful coaches of big programs in the country--Mike Krzyzewski, Roy Williams, Bo Ryan, John Calipari, Billy Donovan, Jim Boeheim, etc. All those guys are totally composed in their interviews. Thad doesn't have that polished feel about him. He seems much more genuine in his comments because of that. That being said, he coached at Xavier, which pretty much ends this argument. Bill Self is another one of those boring, polished automatons, but he hasn't been at Xavier. Sorry for that Ocean's 12-esque, buildup and anti-climax, but I needed to write something. Edge, Kansas.

Who is more worth rooting for?
The T-Rob story speaks for itself. That guy is pretty well worth rooting for, as are the other veterans on his team, but Ohio State has some worthiness of its own. The Buckeyes are coming off a year in which they were far and away the best team in the country, but suffered in the Elite Eight due to a poor shooting game. What's more, that loss came at the hands of a freshman-laden Kentucky team. This year's UK team is totally different, but I would imagine the leftover Buckeyes would still love a shot at returning the favor. Jared Sullinger has said he came back this year because of the sting of last year. Whether or not you like Sully (and I don't), that's what college basketball is all about. And Kansas' last national championship came in 2007, while OSU hasn't cut down the Nets since 1960. I'd say that means point, Bucks.

Finaly tally comes to Ohio State 3, Kansas 2. The scientific approach delivered by Ken Pomeroy says it will be Kentucky-Ohio State. The non-scientific but educated consensus from the ESPN pundits says we're getting Kentucky-Kansas. And this non-scientific and not-educated is pimping a Louisville-Ohio State final two. I guess that adds up to a fun night of basketball.

1 comment:

  1. Nate,
    Perhaps your most bizarre sports post of all time - but creative. Trying to decide between Calipari and Pitino is like trying to decide between a root canal and a colonoscopy. None of them are interesting. Sullinger the most interesting guy? I guess since the Club Trillion guy has moved on that created a spot.

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